I have had anxiety since I was a child, but I never knew that’s what it was. It's only as an adult that it was suggested to me that I had anxiety, and I was able to understand it. When I was growing up, I don’t ever remember hearing the word. I heard words banded around by adults like shy, quiet and nervous, but never heard the word anxiety. So, as a child and young adult, I learnt how to suppress how I was feeling and blend in quite well.
Being an adult meant I had more control of my life, and I was able to avoid situations that made me feel fearful and panicky. Of course, that wasn’t what I wanted to do, and it has meant that I have missed out on opportunities in life, but I didn’t know any other way of dealing with it and I didn’t want to feel like that.
I am always worrying about upsetting people, and I struggle with confidence, self-esteem, perfectionism, fear of rejection, people not liking me etc and this has such a big impact on my life and has fuelled my anxiety over the years.
Of course, everyone's anxiety experiences and symptoms are different, as we are all individuals. Having the same diagnosis as someone else doesn’t mean we react in the same way or should be treated in the same way. At times my anxiety can spiral out of control, if I am not able to manage it effectively before it peaks. I am trying to learn that talking about how I’m feeling is much better than pushing through on my own. For the most part, I try and deal with it by myself, because it affects so much of my daily life. But it is important that I learn to recognise when situations are getting too much and are spiralling.
Routine brought calm
Prior to the pandemic, I had a stable and regular routine which made life much easier to deal with. I would call on friends to help me with certain situations, such as going to hospital appointments that were not in my area or travelling somewhere new for the first time, but in general, having structure and routine felt less chaotic for me and, therefore, helped me to cope better.
During the pandemic and lockdowns, I guess that initially I felt quite accepting of the situation compared to most. Of course, I wanted to be safe from a physical point of view, but I felt very safe with regards to anxiety too. I made a new routine at home, started learning new things and everything felt manageable and calm – although, I also craved returning to my old routines.
What I didn’t realise was that, when the time came to navigate the ‘new normal’, I was not prepared at all and even though I have suffered with anxiety all my life, it had now reached an entirely different level. I became extremely unwell and for a couple of months I ended up disengaging from life completely. I think I knew I had been struggling for a few weeks, maybe even months, but the thoughts were so illogical – and real – at the same time, that I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud to anyone.
Now I wish that I had spoken about it and accepted support earlier. I was having rolling panic attacks day and night and awful tension headaches every day - which would not ease no matter what I tried; I was fatigued and felt powerless with little hope of a light at the end of the tunnel. My GP was great, and my family were incredible and looked after me until I was stable and ready to start taking steps to move forward. I had some lovely friends checking in on me too.