Simon's story: Living with OCD

How many times have you heard people say, “it’s my OCD” or “I’m a bit OCD”? I heard it a lot in the workplace – either to casually dismiss or even justify liking or wanting things done in a certain way. There’s nothing wrong in wanting things done a certain way and in the workplace, it is usually important that things are done correctly. However, as someone who has experienced severe obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) my entire adult life, I feel an explanation is needed to raise awareness about what OCD really is and the effect it can have on those who experience it.

What OCD is and isn't

There are many misconceptions surrounding OCD – most commonly that it is a desire for order, such as following the same sequence of actions when doing everyday tasks, or arranging items in a certain way so they appear tidy. Many people do these things without even thinking twice that they are doing them; they just find it easier doing something a certain way or like a tidy appearance.

This is not OCD.

OCD is where we are compelled to do something by our thought process and if we don’t do it precisely as we believe it is supposed to be done, there will be adverse consequences.

When I was ten years old, I believed that before going to bed at night I had to arrange my toys, brush my teeth and switch the light off in a certain way or bad things would happen in the night and I would die. If I didn’t do these things correctly, I had to do them again; getting ready for bed each night was a major event for me, and when the morning came and I was still alive, it reinforced the need to arrange my toys, brush my teeth and switch the light off correctly. In case you are wondering, I still have to brush my teeth and switch the light off in a particular way, but the toys have been retired.

Strategies for dealing with OCD

As its title suggests, OCD has two key parts: obsession or thoughts; and compulsion or behaviours that are intended to relieve the obsessive thoughts. They sustain one another and can, to the person experiencing them, become their own entity. However, this is also their weakness and can be helpful managing them.

Obsessions are unwanted, repetitive and intrusive thoughts. However, they are so powerful that we are compelled to act upon them. In my early adult life, I started to believe that the risk of being infected with a terminal illness was very real. I was convinced I hadn’t done enough to prevent myself from becoming infected, which was incredibly distressing, as it meant I was to blame. I developed behaviours I believed would prevent me from becoming infected and therefore relieved my distress… for a short time.

This is the cycle of OCD. The intrusive, unwanted thoughts become intensely distressful and the compulsive behaviours provide relief but only until the thoughts manifest themselves again and the cycle repeats itself. For some of us, this cycle becomes all-consuming, taking over our lives. I felt ashamed that I had these thoughts and self-harmed as a means of both punishment and relief; I deserved the pain and the pain was better than experiencing the thoughts.

Defeating the OCD "bully"

OCD can be overwhelming and leave you believing that you will always be controlled by its thoughts and behaviours. This is what OCD thrives on. Think of it as a bully: if you try to fight it, it will win every time, so you have to find another more subtle way to defeat it. The obsessions and compulsions thrive on one another; undermine one and you undermine the other.

This takes time, effort and self-belief. I was explained this theory in cognitive behavioural therapy and it was a long time before I was able to apply it and make it work. When my obsessive thoughts start to manifest themselves, rather than confronting them and trying to reason with them, I have learned to dismiss them, telling them, “you’re not important, I’m not interested.”

The trick is to find ways that don’t give the unwanted thoughts the opportunity to intrude… this is your super-power and it can be the ace up your sleeve. If you can find even one thing that gives you a sense of Achievement, Connection and Enjoyment (ACE), the focus it requires and the sense of fulfilment can raise your self-esteem and start to push the intrusive thoughts further from your mind.

Keeping your thoughts occupied

You don’t have to be too ambitious; start with something achievable, like going for a walk, which is easy exercise and can connect you with your surroundings and people you meet on the way (even just receiving a greeting and a smile can make a difference). Take notice of your surroundings and, especially at this time of year, the changes that are happening. Occupying your thoughts is one of the best defences against OCD, because you don’t have time to think of it.

If you have a passion for something, pursue it. Two of my passions are aviation and railways and I have pursued these through my love of photography. Standing at the end of a windswept platform or runway is not everyone’s idea of a day out, but it gives me the sense of achievement. I often catch up with a friend and ask why we are standing in the cold, but I always enjoy myself and come away in a good place. I have also learned to windsurf and play the bass guitar, which have had their frustrations, but ultimately have contributed to managing my OCD.

Whether your passion is art, dance, music, sport, helping others or learning, you can discover your super-power and feel you can have control of your life again.

Many thanks to Simon for sharing his experience with us.