Jo's story: "the group is like family to me"

Becoming a parent for the first time is nothing short of a baptism of fire – and that’s if things go smoothly. But if you add birth trauma and nearly losing your partner to the mix, it’s an incredibly difficult start for any family.

That was the experience of Jo and Becky when their twin girls were born in October 2019 and they expanded their family from three (Becky’s children from a previous relationship) to five. Ava and Harriet were born ten weeks prematurely and Becky nearly died during childbirth after Harriet’s placenta attached to one of her arteries during pregnancy. Ava and Harriet were born with a heart condition and were under close medical supervision in their early lives – with Ava having heart surgery at 18 months. To say that it was a difficult start for the family is an understatement.

A catalyst for debilitating anxiety

For Jo, as a first-time mum, the birth of her twins – and the traumatic events surrounding their entry into the world – were a catalyst for a downturn in her mental health. Jo had struggled with anxiety and depression from her teens and didn’t have a big support network around her, in part because she was quite distant physically and emotionally from her immediate family.

“I started having panic attacks after the twins were born,” explains Jo. “I didn’t realise it at the time, but I think I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. My anxiety got to the point where I wasn’t able to focus and think clearly at times, which of course makes things really difficult when you’re caring for two babies.”

Jo and her family found themselves feeling increasingly isolated. “It’s hard to be a wife, mum and step-mum when you’re struggling. I felt really alone and we were becoming more and more isolated as a family,” says Jo.

Fortunately Jo recognised that she wasn’t coping and reached out to several charities after the twins were born. She says that West Sussex Mind was the only organisation that said it could help her and she started having one-to-one support with a mental health worker from our Families in Mind service, which helped her process some of the trauma.

“It’s invaluable to be able to vent your feelings and speak to someone who is independent and isn’t involved in your life,” says Jo. “When you’ve experienced trauma, I think this is particularly important because if you’re talking to friends, you’re always conscious not to relive the trauma and to protect them. But with someone you don’t know, you can be a lot more open. If you don’t talk about it, things really build up and get a helluva lot worse.”

Grayson defied the odds

Fast forward two years and Jo and Becky decided to add to their family and conceived Grayson, now three years old, through IVF. During Jo’s pregnancy, the couple were told that Grayson was unlikely to survive because his aorta was blocked and that, if he did survive, it was unlikely to be for long. But little Grayson defied the odds and, at just eight days old, he had open heart surgery which was successful to unblock his aorta.

After Grayson was born, Jo found herself struggling again. During her pregnancy she felt sad and angry that they were having another disabled child, who may not live, and then, when he did survive, Jo experienced post-natal depression – “I think partly, because I hadn’t processed the birth trauma with the twins and a prior miscarriage, but also because I spent most of my pregnancy not expecting him to survive and so you don’t bond in the same way.”

Again Jo turned to Families in Mind for help. Previously she had been reluctant to attend groups, but this time, she began going to the service’s play and chat groups with Grayson, and with Ava and Harriet, when they weren’t at nursery. These are informal sessions for parents experiencing low mood, anxiety or depression to come along with their children, meet other parents and give and receive peer support.

Working out the lay of the land

At first, Jo was quite cautious. She is autistic (diagnosed at 23) and says that she can be blunt socially which can sometimes be interpreted as rude. So initially she just sat, listened and observed the groups “to work out the lay of the land”. But slowly she began contributing and chatting to others and started to build relationships. Over time she has come to see the group as an invaluable safe space for her, her partner and their children.

“The group has become like a family to me, where I always feel welcome and always feel accepted,” reflects Jo. “I can turn up and chat and ask questions, or I can just hang back and not say anything at all and that’s okay too. There’s always good discussions, people share tips and we look out for each other and each other’s children.”

As well as the play and chat groups, Jo enjoys the walks to Hotham Park in Bognor or the beach, accompanied by a West Sussex Mind parental mental health worker, where the parents will invariably stop at a play area for the children, chat and get coffee. Jo and Becky also take part in the weekly Zoom groups and quizzes as much as they can.

Indeed the group has evolved into such a supportive community for the family that Jo has started to organise Saturday meet-ups at local parks for the parents and children outside the Families in Mind group. “It’s great to have a community of people you see regularly and we support with each other’s kids too. It’s so important to be around other parents who don’t judge each other.”

Finding community and confidence

But it’s not just the peer support from the Families in Mind group that Jo finds beneficial. She says that the group has helped her to become a more confident parent, and she has picked up some great tips, for example, to cater for Grayson’s sensory needs and help diffuse his anger.

From where she was two years ago, Jo is in a better place mentally and feels more hopeful for herself and her family. “My mental health has improved,” she says. “I’ve been able to come off some of my medication and my confidence has increased. I’ve started going to the gym and I'm in the fourth year of an Open University degree in business and financial management accounting. Although life is a struggle at times and my mental health remains an ongoing issue, I feel much more supported with help from Families in Mind.”

Perhaps most importantly, Jo has found community in a supportive and safe space. “I was stuck in a rut with no one to talk to and no coping mechanisms. But coming to Families in Mind and finding that community has been a lifeline for me... I don’t feel like an outsider anymore – I always feel welcome and accepted. And that’s so, so important.”