Supporting a sibling with an eating disorder: what I wish I had known

When my twin sister, Katy, was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa at 13, I knew it would change the next chapter of her life. But I didn’t realise how much it would change mine too. Eating disorders don’t just affect the person struggling; they impact the whole family.

As a sibling, it’s normal to feel a mix of emotions: anger, confusion, sadness, even resentment. I often felt invisible, struggling to make sense of my role in the situation. Looking back, I wish I had understood that my feelings were valid and that I had the right to express them.

Your needs matter too

One of the hardest parts of Katy’s illness was watching my parents pour all their time, energy and emotions into supporting her. Although they were just doing the best they could for their daughter who was desperately suffering, it felt like there was nothing left for me and my other two siblings.

At times, I felt neglected, which made me feel awful about myself - after all, Katy was the one who was ill, and I was free to be a “normal”, independent teenager. But bottling up my emotions led to resentment and frustration which I held onto for years.

In hindsight, I wish I had set clearer boundaries and communicated my needs more vulnerably with my parents. For example, I could have said to my mum, “When it’s just the two of us in the car or on a walk, can we try not to talk about Katy?”, or asked to spend more quality time with my dad on the weekends. Small moments of undivided attention would have made a big difference.

If you’re in a similar situation, don’t be afraid to speak up about what you need - whether it’s emotional support, quality time or simply a break from the conversation about the illness.

Eating disorders are not a choice

One of the most frustrating aspects of living with an eating disorder in the family is how irrational it can seem from the outside. The temptation to say, “just eat for God’s sake!” can be overwhelming. But eating disorders are not a choice: they are a serious mental illness, just like depression or anxiety. If a loved one had a broken leg, you wouldn’t tell them to “just walk” - you’d offer them patience, understanding and support. The same compassion should be extended to someone with an eating disorder.

Let go of guilt

Guilt is something I carried for years. As her twin, I knew that part of Katy’s struggle was wanting to be the “smaller twin.” I questioned whether she would have developed her eating disorder if she weren’t constantly comparing herself to me. But the truth is, an eating disorder is never one person’s fault. If you’re a sibling, parent, or friend of someone struggling, try not to blame yourself. You are not responsible for their illness, and you cannot “fix” them.

Don’t let the illness consume your life

Eating disorders have a way of soaking up every ounce of physical, emotional and mental energy from everyone involved. It’s easy to feel like your entire world revolves around the illness. But as hard as it is, try to maintain your own life. Keep up with your hobbies, see your friends and be selfish with your time when you need to be. It’s not wrong to prioritise your own well-being - you can’t pour from an empty cup.

The advice I would give my 13-year-old self

If I could go back and speak to my younger self, the biggest piece of advice I’d give would be this: it’s not your responsibility to make Katy better. No matter how much you love her, no matter how hard you try, she will only recover when she is ready.

The best thing you can do for a loved one who is struggling is to be their biggest cheerleader, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to laugh with during the lighter, happier times.

Supporting a loved one with an eating disorder is incredibly challenging, but you are not alone. Your emotions are valid, your needs matter and you deserve support too.